Controlled Choreography: On the Dance of Anger

Day 20: What is one life lesson that you are thankful for having learned?  

About 15 years ago, I was introduced to William Glasser's control theory. This simple theory was revolutionary in changing how I approached everything in my life, including my teaching. If you are unhappy, you have two basic choices within your sphere of control 1) change what you're doing in order to get what you want or 2) change what you want. Simple, no?  Identifying what's within my control helped me cope better with the things that are not.

According to Glasser, most behavior choices are made in order to satisfy one or more of these basic needs: freedom, fun, belonging, or power. This information was taught to sophomores at Cedar Falls High School as part of a growing up unit. It provided a psychological lens through which to analyze fictional characters. However, many of my students found this to be applicable to their own lives as well. I had to learn this content well in order to teach it well, and so I read multiple works by William Glasser including The Quality School Teacher and The Quality School, as well as his seminal work Control Theory. 

I found it useful to apply this kind of thinking when working with students whose behavior I didn't understand. When I discuss behavioral choices, both wise and unwise, with students, they understand their own behavior choices better, and I find that they are capable of making better decisions next time when they can put a name on their motivations.  Also it keeps behavior choices in proper perspective. Most misbehavior is not malicious. It is simply the student's need for fun trumping their need to be free during detention. It's usually not about me at all.  This is a lesson that plagued me in my early teaching because I took so much misbehavior personally to heart.

Today, I took control of a situation with a student with whom I have struggled to get along all year. We'll call him Bruce. Bruce asked me last week why I always seem so angry with him. It was certainly a legitimate question. And I've been thinking about it since. Why AM I so angry with this student? And is that anger improving the situation? It made me think of a related book that touches on control: The Dance of Anger. While I cannot control this young man's choices, I can control my own response to those choices. As The Dance of Anger says, you can't change your partner's moves, but you can change yours, and then he has to respond to your changes. So, today I wrote Bruce a note in which I observed that he'd been working harder recently to improve his learning, his behavior, and his attitude. I thanked him for making that choice. I told him I've been thinking about his question and that I felt like my anger stemmed from feeling like I was sometimes working harder for his success than he was--that I could see his brightness and potential, and it hurt to listen to his negative self talk. I was angry because he gave up on himself too easily.  But over the past week, I had seen him change. I valued his increasing persistence over the past week, and I wanted to recognize him for it. I told him that because of this new growth mindset and positive leadership, he had earned a bookworm of the color of his choice. (You wouldn't believe how popular those crazy things are!) And so he came up to me after class with the note and said, "So what do I do about this?"  

Thinking he was a bit daft, I said, "Well, the note's for you. You can keep it."  

He said, "No, the bookworm." 

I smiled at this new earnest intensity. "What color do you want?"

He asked if he could have blue and orange. And then wondered how soon I could be finished. I promised it would be done the next day. He is a Chicago Bears fan. It's plastered all over his blog page. So I had to make sure to get the right shade of blue and orange. A special trip to the yarn store was required. And I made it happen. Never underestimate the transformative healing powers of yarn.

By changing my interaction to a more positive tone and behavior on my part, he has responded in kind. This has been his best week since school started, but I hope it's not the best week of his year. That lies ahead.

When in doubt, asking a student "How are you doing?" or "Are you okay?" usually yields a more positive and productive interaction than jumping on a student about breaking the rules or having their head down. Put your assumptions away. Instead, pull out your curiosity and kindness whenever possible. Remember, you reap what you sow.